update

I know it has been a while... it's been a very bust week. I've been out of town for a few days visiting some friends who moved away. It was SOOO nice to see old friends. They were a great encouragment to me. They have been so supportive of me in prayers and words.

Husband has been out of town as well. Working out of state. It's been a bit uncomfortable. Texts and calls that used to be promptly answered have gone ignored or hours for replies. I know it has been busy for hime, but that nagging voice still wonders if he has moved along further than he has said. I guess I will have to wait and see.

One of my friends had some interesting insight. She offered that even though this is painful, I don't know what God might be saving me from. By taking my husband away he might be saving me from something I can't be saved from... Not sure I agree, but it is worth a thought.

Yuck...

I had a bad day. I feel worse today than I have in a month. It is taking all I have got to not let myself feel like I did. I have an even worse sense of impending doom over my marriage. But I am trying to back off and just wait... It is hard...

If only he would just take one more step my direction...

Is it the beginning of the end? Again?

Well, the weekend was ok. We haven't argued in weeks. I guess when you don't care, there is nothing left to argue about. I actually had a bit of fun. We went to lunch at a casino. I won $100 on penny slots. I have never done that before. We came back and spent time just hanging out in town. Doing stuff that kinda reminded me of when we were kids. On Sunday, we spent most of the day at home, then had dinner at some friends house last night.

He is getting ready to leave on a trip. I guess it all may come to an decision very soon. He promised to stay until I find a job, but once he makes up his mind, I am sure that will be it. I came to the realization that depression is kinda like cancer or any other disease. There is always a chance the remission will be over and it will come back, which means the fight will have to start again. The past couple of years have been a fight, but instead of being able to celebrate finally starting to get well, I am having to morn the loss of a friend. If I am ever in the position to have a relationship again, I guess this will need to be talked about before it ever gets serious.

I hate thinking this is over. We truly are soul-mates. The other half that completes each of us. If we are separated again I think we will each carry an emptiness for the rest of our lives. I am not looking forward to that, but I am trying to think of ways to deal.

I know that this time, there will be no coming back, no meeting years down the road, no phones calls or shoulders. If its over, he will be done, and I will be too hurt to fight. I am through the denial and anger... I am teetering between bargaining and distancing. I guess acceptance will be the next step... wherever that should take me.