I just got home from my first session with my new therapist. I haven't talked to one in nearly 10 years, but even when I did I never felt like I was doing anything but just talking and taking made me cry. I could do that at home for free and never saw the point of paying to do that.
I know this was only the first session, but I feel like this may be the road I need to be on. For one, this is the first time anyone has ever had me "do" anything. After an introduction and my answer as to why I was there she described a treatment to help PTSD. It is called EMDR or eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing. I thought is was kinda crazy when she talked about it. After all, I am a very logical person, and I could not see how sounds and buzzers where going to help. (if you want to know more look it up, I am not a medical professional and do not say this could help anyone.)
I had expected to go in sobbing and fearful of what I had to tell her. I was terrified of losing my husband I was terrified of telling her about my childhood and the anger and rage I had been fighting for years. Through the session the noises continued and I was so calm it was almost scary. I am anxious to see how this progresses as I have more time with her.
I think we got off to a good start. Now, to make the week and see how it goes.
Before the session I went to a library book sale. It was great. I came home with two boxes of old books that I have absolutely no place for. But I love them. I love old books, especially collections from the 20's - 40's. Just seeing how people lived and worked during that time is great.
Oh well, I am off to read so VERY old magazines...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday...
My husband just left. He's got a two hour drive ahead of him, but it is work related. He has to go to a nearby city. Kinda sucks working on Saturday. It was kinda sad this morning for me. I get up so much earlier than him during the week and he comes to bed after I am asleep. Not because of the problems, it has always been like that. We just have very different schedules.
In the past, Saturdays were our time to bond. We would wake up and just lay there and talk. Usually, one or more of the cats would join us. I didn't even get a look this morning. He just got up and walked out.
I can't given in. His neck was hurting him so I made him let me rub it for him. I used to do that a lot, but it has been a long time since the last. I hugged him before he got in the shower and kissed his cheek. He wasn't hungry, but I made myself some breakfast. The first time I had eaten since lunch yesterday. He got his things together. This is going to be an all day work event, with him getting back very late or early tomorrow.
On his was out the door his arms were full but he hugged me again. This time, almost out of habit I got a quick peck on the lips. That's the first time in weeks. It made me smile.
I remember when we were kids and when we had just gotten married, every time one of us left it was like we were going to be gone for years. The kisses and touches were like being on fire or being in love for the first time. Then the distractions of life got in the way. One catastrophic event led to another and there were always other things to think about.
I am an ant... remember the children's story about the grasshopper and the ant? The ant works all the time, carefully planning, taking care of the house and getting ready for winter while the grasshopper plays and only enjoys the day. There are advantages to both, but I am the ant and my husband is the grasshopper. While he wanted to have fun and not think or deal with issues, I got so consumed by the issues I couldn't see anything else. But if I hadn't dealt with them, I know he wouldn't have because they simply were not important to him and that would had created even more problems. So how do I get out of this circle.
I have my first appointment with a therapist this afternoon. Wish me luck. I need something to start going my way.
In the past, Saturdays were our time to bond. We would wake up and just lay there and talk. Usually, one or more of the cats would join us. I didn't even get a look this morning. He just got up and walked out.
I can't given in. His neck was hurting him so I made him let me rub it for him. I used to do that a lot, but it has been a long time since the last. I hugged him before he got in the shower and kissed his cheek. He wasn't hungry, but I made myself some breakfast. The first time I had eaten since lunch yesterday. He got his things together. This is going to be an all day work event, with him getting back very late or early tomorrow.
On his was out the door his arms were full but he hugged me again. This time, almost out of habit I got a quick peck on the lips. That's the first time in weeks. It made me smile.
I remember when we were kids and when we had just gotten married, every time one of us left it was like we were going to be gone for years. The kisses and touches were like being on fire or being in love for the first time. Then the distractions of life got in the way. One catastrophic event led to another and there were always other things to think about.
I am an ant... remember the children's story about the grasshopper and the ant? The ant works all the time, carefully planning, taking care of the house and getting ready for winter while the grasshopper plays and only enjoys the day. There are advantages to both, but I am the ant and my husband is the grasshopper. While he wanted to have fun and not think or deal with issues, I got so consumed by the issues I couldn't see anything else. But if I hadn't dealt with them, I know he wouldn't have because they simply were not important to him and that would had created even more problems. So how do I get out of this circle.
I have my first appointment with a therapist this afternoon. Wish me luck. I need something to start going my way.
Friday, October 2, 2009
End of day one
I know I had several posts today. I was just trying to get familiar with all this and it took some learning. I will keep everyone posted hopefully daily of my progress. I hope if you read this you realize you are not alone. I promise to be open. I know I will be revealing some things about myself that you will not like, but hopefully I can keep you from making my mistakes.
I really want forgiveness, but sometimes forgiveness just isn't enough.
I really want forgiveness, but sometimes forgiveness just isn't enough.
a much needed lunch
Don't tell anyone... I left work early under the guise of being "sick." A cool front blew through last night and the wonderful 70 degree weather and low humidity made it difficult to imagine spending the whole day in an office. I sent a text to my husband and convinced him to meet me for a late lunch. I think it was a good conversation. We agreed to commit to try and take each day as a chance to move forward.
I also made my first appointment with a therapist. Upon the recommendation of a friend, I though it couldn't hurt.
I have always had problems expressing my anger. I don't seem to know how to separate me miserable job life from my home life. Those two shortcomings have made it difficult to exist this past year. My job, which two years ago was the best this I had ever done, has turned into a living nightmare this past year. The site is shutting down. Over 100 people forced into retirement or laid off. I was one of the "lucky" ones. I still have a job, but I have been demoted from a supervisor to a position that is essentially a clerk. Like everywhere else, the job market sucks. My diabetes makes it impossible for me to consider leaving without another job in hand. I have to have benefits. Not to mention I like being able to pay my bills.
I have done so much praying and soul searching this past month. Something in me is broken and I have to get that fixed before I can move forward fixing my marriage. My husband seemed open and agreed with what I said. The lunch ended well. Just a few tears, but well in control.
When we parted he reached to hug me. It was kinda awkward, but I turned him and hugged him and kissed his check.
Part of me wants to scream that I need someone to love me, but I can't do that. I have to go slow. Admit fault where it is deserved, tell him where I think problems came from him. We both realize it took both of us to get here. I likened our situation to Sisyphus. I felt like I have been trying to push a boulder up a hill. I couldn't, so I kept pushing the boulder onto him. He always told me he had broad shoulders and could take it. He tried for a while, but I realized no one can carry someone elses burden.
I have to figure out how to get up this hill.
I also made my first appointment with a therapist. Upon the recommendation of a friend, I though it couldn't hurt.
I have always had problems expressing my anger. I don't seem to know how to separate me miserable job life from my home life. Those two shortcomings have made it difficult to exist this past year. My job, which two years ago was the best this I had ever done, has turned into a living nightmare this past year. The site is shutting down. Over 100 people forced into retirement or laid off. I was one of the "lucky" ones. I still have a job, but I have been demoted from a supervisor to a position that is essentially a clerk. Like everywhere else, the job market sucks. My diabetes makes it impossible for me to consider leaving without another job in hand. I have to have benefits. Not to mention I like being able to pay my bills.
I have done so much praying and soul searching this past month. Something in me is broken and I have to get that fixed before I can move forward fixing my marriage. My husband seemed open and agreed with what I said. The lunch ended well. Just a few tears, but well in control.
When we parted he reached to hug me. It was kinda awkward, but I turned him and hugged him and kissed his check.
Part of me wants to scream that I need someone to love me, but I can't do that. I have to go slow. Admit fault where it is deserved, tell him where I think problems came from him. We both realize it took both of us to get here. I likened our situation to Sisyphus. I felt like I have been trying to push a boulder up a hill. I couldn't, so I kept pushing the boulder onto him. He always told me he had broad shoulders and could take it. He tried for a while, but I realized no one can carry someone elses burden.
I have to figure out how to get up this hill.
a little background
If anyone ever finds this, I am sure they might want a little background on how things got to this point. I will post a little from time to time and the story develops. I don't know how this is going to end. I guess we may find out together.
I am in my mid 30's. This is my second marriage. I married the first time just before I got out of college. That marriage ended at 6 years. I started dating him when I was still in my teens. I grew up and changed, but he remained the same. No fault... we were able to walk away without hating each other. That's all I am going to say about that one. This marriage is the one I want to save.
I met my current husband when I was still in high school. In fact he took me to my senior prom... He was my highschool sweetheart and my first love. I went out of state to college, and the distance was too much for me. I was majoring in a very difficult subject and did not have the energy to devot to it and a long distance relationship.
We lost touch for many years, but reconnected as friends about 10 years ago. I will save that story for later. He was unhappily married, and eventually divorced. I was there for him as a friend and also there through the girlfriends and breakups that followed. They say true love always finds a way, and I guess it did with us.
Friendship lead to more and we finally admitted what we had both felt for some time. He proposed, I accepted, and 5 months later on New years day we were married.
It's funny how something that starts so well, can end so badly.
More story later, time to go to work.
I am in my mid 30's. This is my second marriage. I married the first time just before I got out of college. That marriage ended at 6 years. I started dating him when I was still in my teens. I grew up and changed, but he remained the same. No fault... we were able to walk away without hating each other. That's all I am going to say about that one. This marriage is the one I want to save.
I met my current husband when I was still in high school. In fact he took me to my senior prom... He was my highschool sweetheart and my first love. I went out of state to college, and the distance was too much for me. I was majoring in a very difficult subject and did not have the energy to devot to it and a long distance relationship.
We lost touch for many years, but reconnected as friends about 10 years ago. I will save that story for later. He was unhappily married, and eventually divorced. I was there for him as a friend and also there through the girlfriends and breakups that followed. They say true love always finds a way, and I guess it did with us.
Friendship lead to more and we finally admitted what we had both felt for some time. He proposed, I accepted, and 5 months later on New years day we were married.
It's funny how something that starts so well, can end so badly.
More story later, time to go to work.
A bad realization
Last week my huband of nearly 5 years told me he was through. He wanted out and couldn't take it any more. Like always, I was angry. No couple gets to that point without a lot of work from both people, and while I am embarrassed to say, I did my fair share.
We have been trying for a week talking and addressing the hurts. I have asked people for prayers and advice. I know this may not end the way I want it too, and I need a way out. So here I am. This will be my way of getting my feelings out, so maybe I can get my husband to understand this just might be worth saving.
Wish me luck... more to follow
We have been trying for a week talking and addressing the hurts. I have asked people for prayers and advice. I know this may not end the way I want it too, and I need a way out. So here I am. This will be my way of getting my feelings out, so maybe I can get my husband to understand this just might be worth saving.
Wish me luck... more to follow
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)