Wow, it seems so weird how no matter what happens, most things come full circle.  It started with me hating my job.  Me working 12+ hours a day.  being so tired and exhausted I can barely function.  My personal life started to suffer.  My husband got insecure.  We fought, he cheated, he lied, I found out.  Now, I have to figure out where to go and what to do.  He seems to think we can work it out.  he seems sincere.  But I am not sure I am.  I don't trust him.  I don't know that I ever will.  He was so resistant to working on it when I had time.  When I had finally changed jobs, had time to do things.  Now, he lost his job.  I am back at a job I hate.  Working most of the time.  Hating every minute of it.  Not wanting to do anything but sleep.

I don't feel like doing anything.  He is unemployed and has all day to be bored.  I get home, want to rest and all he wants to do is go.  I just want to be by myself for a while.  Is that wrong?

But I guess there is one bright point.  I have someone else I hate and that takes up much of my hostility and gives me a way to get it out with no one being any the wiser. 

I hate my boss...

Now, really I have two bosses.  My "real" boss whom I really like and respect.  Then my "dotted line" boss, who is a racist, chauvinistic jerk who only gets pleasure from degrading people publicly.

I guess I have new material for a while.

more to come later.

still here... so much has happened.... so much left to go.  THis has been a horrible year and a half... I hope the worst is over...

A long time... but little progress

Still here, but I really think we only have a short time before he leaves. We are great roommates, but nothing more. I have tried flirting, showing him my happiness, but all I get is rebuffed and insulted. I flirted with him yesterday when we were at the movies and he pushed me away saying I couldn't not force him to go where I wanted him to be.

I am tired. I have gone a long way to beating the depression I have fought for year. I need someone to be happy with me, but I am not getting that at home. I want to be with someone who smiles and laughs and flirts and sends cute messages to make me laugh.

My husband has been helping a friend who has been in a bad situation for several years. I was jealous at first, but have gone a long way to understanding why he is doing this. He just informed me he was invited to a celebratory party out of state where this person lives and he bought a plane ticket to go. I don't think he wants to be with this girl forever, he just wants to get away from me. I have to let him go. I figure that trip will be the final end of my marriage.

I am scared, but I still paste a smile on my face. It hurts that he is going, but I guess I understand why. I have been nothing but faithful to him. He has always said he has never cheated. I am so afraid I am going to be the first.

a lot happening

Well, it nearly happened the other day. I just found out one of my pets is very ill. When he got home, I told him about it, and the cold, insensitive response I got was too much. I told him I knew he hated me, but he could have showed a little compassion. He didn't say a word, just walked into the back room He was back there a long time, and I heard him banging around. He came out, with one change of clothes and he hair stuff and said he was leaving. We talked for nearly and hour standing at the door, but the stuff needed to be said. Finally, I just walked away. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He didn't leave, but I know it is only a matter of time. He just is looking for somewhere to go.

Another horrible thing... the death of a close family member. Things always come in three's, so I've had mine now... It is time for some relief...

beginning of the end

Well, I believe it has finally started. My husband left for a business trip a week ago. Until today, my only contact with him had been some 2 min phone conversations and short text messages. I finally got brave last night and called. Only distant small talk. He called today...

I just got off the phone. Suprise but he is pissed off again. I was just trying to make conversation and mentioned that I hadn't heard from him. He got so angry saying he was busy at his work. I knew this, but I felt like I deserved a little more. I don't think I can let him take much more of me, if I am to keep any part of myself.

I know he would be so angry, but I feel like he may be with someone. My therapist thinks so, my friend thinks so... but I have been trying to stay positive. He said he would not do that till after the divorce. Every time we have talked since he left, he continuously says "we" when talking about things he is supposedly doing by himself. He realized it tonight, and promptly came up with a story to make it fit, but it just didn't sound right

He is so changed. It is so sad to me. We used to be so great together, but now the least thing angers him so. I guess maybe this is how he used to feel when I got so angry. But I got help and I have changed. He refuses to admit he has a problem.

If he is trying to make me hate him, it is working. If he wants to hurt me, then he should stop. At this rate, when the end comes, I won't care...

the end is in sight

It has been a crazy few weeks. Some weird blood test results have had my doctors scrambling. Luckily the visit to the oncologist found nothing. I was scared, but it worked out ok so far.

In other news, my husband has decided to take a road trip. He is "off to discover where he wants to go." His arrogance is sickening. He is playing God with everyone around him. He can't handle the responsibility and chaos at his office and I feel he would rather run away than risk failure. I still love him, but his coldness and distance is making it much easier to accept that he will soon be gone.

I don't need to wait on him. I know how this will end. It saddens me. But he has convinced himself this is all my fault. He has forgotten about all the promises he has made me that he has not fulfilled. The promise of in sickness or in health, the promise to love me and the promise he would always be there.

When he leaves for his road trip, some things around here are changing as well. I am joining a yoga class. I am redecorating the house. If and when he comes back, I will be changed even more.

He is looking for something in others that he should be looking for in himself. I have said a prayer for him and for me. From now forward, I must protect my heart.

I'm back...

Sorry about the extended absence... I haven't written in a while. It has been a busy and disappointing few months. First... still no new job. Second, still no progress on the relationship... My soon-to-be ex has managed to wrap himself in a disgusting cloud of self-righteousness and convince himself "its all my fault." I refuse to be painted into that corner. We both helped it get here, and when this ends, I will not take all the blame.

I know he doesn't love me, but the sad part is not I am not sure he ever did. I think he loved the idea of me, but to him love is a feeling, and emotion. I am so glad I have realized it is much more, even though it also means I have don't have it. True, love can cause feelings of joy and happiness, but love is a choice. It is a decision about being committed to someone despite everything.

I guess that means I have progressed, but it still hurts knowing this is it. I have tried so hard to change and for the most part, I like who I am becoming. I am nearly at the final stage of grief over the end of this relationship. I have gone through the denial... that lasted the longest and created some of the worst problems. Anger was next, and was violent. I saw a side of me I hope to never see again. I know words can create wounds that can never heal. I learned this from giving and receiving such words

I have also bargained... with God, with myself... with my spouse... but this passed quickly. When no one loves you, there is no incentive to bargain. Right now, I am reaching the end of distancing myself from the problem. I still wake up days and trying to bury myself in work and forget there is a problem. Everything is so shallow and cordial, that from the outside, things look ok. We don't argue, but every time I disagree with him or do anything to oppose anything he thinks I get a rage I have never seen in a person before. I don't like it at all

The distancing finally come to an end last night. I tried to get my husband to be physical and the only thing I got was a brush off. I realized how much he must hate me. He last relationship was with a women who cheated on him and left him for a registered sex offender. He continued to pursue and be with her till the day she left, and he can't even stand to touch me, who has done none of that. I know where I stand... I just have to figure out how to accept. It hurts so much.

My old prayer, the one I thought I would never have to say again has started coming from my lips again. "Dear God, please help me... please let someone love me..."