almost the weekend

It has been a rough couple of days. I have been trying to make progress talking, but I almost think it would be better to just say nothing. Every time we talk he keeps bringing up how I used to be his best friend, he confided in me and I just took what he told me and twisted it against him. I know that I threw some things in his face but I was hurting and disappointed by his letting me down, it was all I knew how to do. I didn't want to do it even while I was saying it, but it was a circle that I didn't know how to escape from.

I could never betray his trust. I asked him if he thought we could be friends right now if it ended...he said not immediately because he knew I would not let it end without making it ugly. I don't want that, and as much as it hurts, I am starting to prepare myself to let him go. I have to imagine him with someone else, likely younger and more spontaneous than me. I have to imagine never seeing or speaking to him again. I have to figure out how to not compare him to ever subsequent relationship I may ever have, even though he says he is the only one who can handle me.

I finally realized one of the lines he had drawn that I crossed. His daughter. I will accept whats my due for that, but even though I always treat her with respect and never have criticized the child's family and have always been supportive of her, I insulted the whole situation. I always wanted my own child, my own daughter. Someone who was a part of me that might ensure some part of me would continue after I was gone, but it was never meant to be. I am so jealous of the child, because she is a part of him and the child's mother, because she has something I never will. It doesn't matter how much she does to him, he will always have a relationship with her because of the child. That hurts me so much. I want a part of him that no one else has. His daughter to me will never be mine. That is something he shared with someone else. I guess if you can have children, you don't realize what I mean.

I want him to remember why we married and how we felt in the beginning. He only is remembering the bad right now. Like the fight we had on our honeymoon. I remember that we had waited and how nice it was to finally be married.

I have started another prayer. I have asked God to change his heart to open it and make it soft towards me again. If that doesn't happen, I have asked God to harden mine so I can have some part of my heart left when it is over.

another not so good day

Last evening we had another of our hour long talks... getting feelings out in the open. Everything i hear just crushes me. I know I was in a dark place, but he has been unhappy for years... I never knew. I knew things were not great in the beginning, but I thought that was just normal, two people who were set in their own ways trying to find a way together. That is not how he saw it.

He remembered the fight we had on our honeymoon. I remember that it was my time of the month and I was miserable. He remembered me threatening to reveal some stupid BS he did when he was younger. Nothing life ending, just embarrassing. He doesn't know that I only said that to try and keep him close. I saw him slipping away and I didn't know how to stop it. How do you deal with someone who has been your soulmate, your other half, recognize that they don't want to continue the life you have had together.

He will never believe me, but I won't betray his trust. I used to be his best friend, and now he can barely stand to be in the same room as me. I am trying. I will either try until God allows something to break, or I will try until there is no more time.

I can only liken our relationship to someone who has a fatal disease. I have a good idea of what the end date will be. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I can only tell him I love him and take from each day what he is willing to give. I know it hasn't been easy, but I always thought that once I broke through that darkness he would be there waiting. I guess I was wrong.

Tuesday

Well, no significant progress. Tomorrow is my husbands birthday. I took him to dinner after I got off work. he still had some things to do so he said he would be late. I expected him home within a couple of hours, but still waiting, wondering what's up.

He said he is going to a party for a friend tonight. Out late. I really don't like it, but I CAN'T say anything.

Really tired tonight, so going to turn it pretty soon. I had hoped he would at least come home so I could give him his present, since I most likely won't even see him tomorrow.

He will spend his day with others... I will be at work. Tomorrow will be important for me too. I will let you know how it goes.

I hate Mondays

I use this title a lot. In fact, I don't think I have ever met a Monday that I do like. I had admitting this, but for the first time in my life I was completely useless at work today. Still worrying about my marriage, my job, my life and everything else in it. One bit of good news, a potential improvement in the job situation. Should know more tomorrow, but I don't want to jinx it.

I almost made it through the day without crying.

I did make one mistake. I told my mom about the troubles. She is bugging me everyday. I finally told her I couldn't talk about it with her ever day. It was still too raw and working on it took too much out of me.

Oh well. Sorry about the lack of words today. Mondays just take a lot out of me. I did send an email asking for prayer and guidance to my dear friend who is also a minister. Maybe the silence I have gotten from God will turn into words for him. I will let you know.

Sunday morning

Another wake up like yesterday. I wanted to stay and talk... about good stuff, not the crap we have been dealing with. But it didn't happen. He rolled over and got up without even looking my way. I got up to go talk.

It is so frustrating to me. I wonder if this had broken in me just a month ago, would it have had a chance. That was before he said he didn't love me. But when we talked the other day, he said he had been miserable for months and had been planning his "escape" since May, he simply didn't have the money.

I just want one day like it used to be. I know he ticks me off always being late and with his lack of followup, but I just want a day. But then I wonder, what will it be like if I give it my all and get totally exposed, only to be rejected again. I don't know if I can take it. I have had so much of me hurt when I expose it, that I have almost forgotten how to be vulnerable. It's scary taking a chance when I know that it is most likely I will be hurt again.

I guess I just have to look at the good days. We didn't fight, he didn't leave. He hugged me, though it was completely void of the passion and love he once had. Is there a way to open that door again, please, someone tell me. For so long he wanted me, and I couldn't bear to look at him for the misery I felt in my heart. I pushed him away, and now he doesn't want to come back.

What can I do?...