almost the weekend

It has been a rough couple of days. I have been trying to make progress talking, but I almost think it would be better to just say nothing. Every time we talk he keeps bringing up how I used to be his best friend, he confided in me and I just took what he told me and twisted it against him. I know that I threw some things in his face but I was hurting and disappointed by his letting me down, it was all I knew how to do. I didn't want to do it even while I was saying it, but it was a circle that I didn't know how to escape from.

I could never betray his trust. I asked him if he thought we could be friends right now if it ended...he said not immediately because he knew I would not let it end without making it ugly. I don't want that, and as much as it hurts, I am starting to prepare myself to let him go. I have to imagine him with someone else, likely younger and more spontaneous than me. I have to imagine never seeing or speaking to him again. I have to figure out how to not compare him to ever subsequent relationship I may ever have, even though he says he is the only one who can handle me.

I finally realized one of the lines he had drawn that I crossed. His daughter. I will accept whats my due for that, but even though I always treat her with respect and never have criticized the child's family and have always been supportive of her, I insulted the whole situation. I always wanted my own child, my own daughter. Someone who was a part of me that might ensure some part of me would continue after I was gone, but it was never meant to be. I am so jealous of the child, because she is a part of him and the child's mother, because she has something I never will. It doesn't matter how much she does to him, he will always have a relationship with her because of the child. That hurts me so much. I want a part of him that no one else has. His daughter to me will never be mine. That is something he shared with someone else. I guess if you can have children, you don't realize what I mean.

I want him to remember why we married and how we felt in the beginning. He only is remembering the bad right now. Like the fight we had on our honeymoon. I remember that we had waited and how nice it was to finally be married.

I have started another prayer. I have asked God to change his heart to open it and make it soft towards me again. If that doesn't happen, I have asked God to harden mine so I can have some part of my heart left when it is over.