Sorry about the extended absence... I haven't written in a while. It has been a busy and disappointing few months. First... still no new job. Second, still no progress on the relationship... My soon-to-be ex has managed to wrap himself in a disgusting cloud of self-righteousness and convince himself "its all my fault." I refuse to be painted into that corner. We both helped it get here, and when this ends, I will not take all the blame.
I know he doesn't love me, but the sad part is not I am not sure he ever did. I think he loved the idea of me, but to him love is a feeling, and emotion. I am so glad I have realized it is much more, even though it also means I have don't have it. True, love can cause feelings of joy and happiness, but love is a choice. It is a decision about being committed to someone despite everything.
I guess that means I have progressed, but it still hurts knowing this is it. I have tried so hard to change and for the most part, I like who I am becoming. I am nearly at the final stage of grief over the end of this relationship. I have gone through the denial... that lasted the longest and created some of the worst problems. Anger was next, and was violent. I saw a side of me I hope to never see again. I know words can create wounds that can never heal. I learned this from giving and receiving such words
I have also bargained... with God, with myself... with my spouse... but this passed quickly. When no one loves you, there is no incentive to bargain. Right now, I am reaching the end of distancing myself from the problem. I still wake up days and trying to bury myself in work and forget there is a problem. Everything is so shallow and cordial, that from the outside, things look ok. We don't argue, but every time I disagree with him or do anything to oppose anything he thinks I get a rage I have never seen in a person before. I don't like it at all
The distancing finally come to an end last night. I tried to get my husband to be physical and the only thing I got was a brush off. I realized how much he must hate me. He last relationship was with a women who cheated on him and left him for a registered sex offender. He continued to pursue and be with her till the day she left, and he can't even stand to touch me, who has done none of that. I know where I stand... I just have to figure out how to accept. It hurts so much.
My old prayer, the one I thought I would never have to say again has started coming from my lips again. "Dear God, please help me... please let someone love me..."
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