Saturday...

My husband just left. He's got a two hour drive ahead of him, but it is work related. He has to go to a nearby city. Kinda sucks working on Saturday. It was kinda sad this morning for me. I get up so much earlier than him during the week and he comes to bed after I am asleep. Not because of the problems, it has always been like that. We just have very different schedules.

In the past, Saturdays were our time to bond. We would wake up and just lay there and talk. Usually, one or more of the cats would join us. I didn't even get a look this morning. He just got up and walked out.

I can't given in. His neck was hurting him so I made him let me rub it for him. I used to do that a lot, but it has been a long time since the last. I hugged him before he got in the shower and kissed his cheek. He wasn't hungry, but I made myself some breakfast. The first time I had eaten since lunch yesterday. He got his things together. This is going to be an all day work event, with him getting back very late or early tomorrow.

On his was out the door his arms were full but he hugged me again. This time, almost out of habit I got a quick peck on the lips. That's the first time in weeks. It made me smile.

I remember when we were kids and when we had just gotten married, every time one of us left it was like we were going to be gone for years. The kisses and touches were like being on fire or being in love for the first time. Then the distractions of life got in the way. One catastrophic event led to another and there were always other things to think about.

I am an ant... remember the children's story about the grasshopper and the ant? The ant works all the time, carefully planning, taking care of the house and getting ready for winter while the grasshopper plays and only enjoys the day. There are advantages to both, but I am the ant and my husband is the grasshopper. While he wanted to have fun and not think or deal with issues, I got so consumed by the issues I couldn't see anything else. But if I hadn't dealt with them, I know he wouldn't have because they simply were not important to him and that would had created even more problems. So how do I get out of this circle.

I have my first appointment with a therapist this afternoon. Wish me luck. I need something to start going my way.