a much needed lunch

Don't tell anyone... I left work early under the guise of being "sick." A cool front blew through last night and the wonderful 70 degree weather and low humidity made it difficult to imagine spending the whole day in an office. I sent a text to my husband and convinced him to meet me for a late lunch. I think it was a good conversation. We agreed to commit to try and take each day as a chance to move forward.

I also made my first appointment with a therapist. Upon the recommendation of a friend, I though it couldn't hurt.

I have always had problems expressing my anger. I don't seem to know how to separate me miserable job life from my home life. Those two shortcomings have made it difficult to exist this past year. My job, which two years ago was the best this I had ever done, has turned into a living nightmare this past year. The site is shutting down. Over 100 people forced into retirement or laid off. I was one of the "lucky" ones. I still have a job, but I have been demoted from a supervisor to a position that is essentially a clerk. Like everywhere else, the job market sucks. My diabetes makes it impossible for me to consider leaving without another job in hand. I have to have benefits. Not to mention I like being able to pay my bills.

I have done so much praying and soul searching this past month. Something in me is broken and I have to get that fixed before I can move forward fixing my marriage. My husband seemed open and agreed with what I said. The lunch ended well. Just a few tears, but well in control.

When we parted he reached to hug me. It was kinda awkward, but I turned him and hugged him and kissed his check.

Part of me wants to scream that I need someone to love me, but I can't do that. I have to go slow. Admit fault where it is deserved, tell him where I think problems came from him. We both realize it took both of us to get here. I likened our situation to Sisyphus. I felt like I have been trying to push a boulder up a hill. I couldn't, so I kept pushing the boulder onto him. He always told me he had broad shoulders and could take it. He tried for a while, but I realized no one can carry someone elses burden.

I have to figure out how to get up this hill.